You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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