Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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