woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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