So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize