i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
