I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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