I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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