I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
