then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
