my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
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