I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
