it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
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Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
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I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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