No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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