ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
