standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
40s are totally the cure
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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