when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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