Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
