I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
