Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
