I cannot find my penis.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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