So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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