I hate all girls vehemently.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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