I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
my liver is dry heaving
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
