You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
