omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
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Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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