the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
