Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
