he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Let's paint friendship bongs
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
