i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
