i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
