I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
