So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
