my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
