I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
this beer tastes like vomit already
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
