This is not my ceiling
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
