Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
