***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Randomize
