last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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