I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
