I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
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so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
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I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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