very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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