My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
