My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
