Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
