our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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