I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
