so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
