I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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