very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
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Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Randomize