last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
