You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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