Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
