It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
