you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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