you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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