I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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