there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize