remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
